Sunday. 10: 07 am. October 4. I am currently thinking of how to begin this entry but then, by the time I’ve finished typing this sentence I have made my peace that this line is all you’ll ever get. (Hah!) On a whim I decided to re-read my old entries, and oh boy, the amount of comedic horror awaiting. It felt weird and wrong, like I was reading an another person's diary. She flaunts her feelings in romantic abando, with little concern about the world around her. As much as I would like to deny any form of association with her I can't. At one point, I was her. A friend once said that maybe this is me attempting to distance myself from all the emotions I once held strongly. That got me to pause. A proverbial light bulb moment, if you will. So I thought I'd give this another try in the hopes that if and when I look back on this some day, I’d be able to with fondness and pride. This time, let me try to see every detail without the lens of whimsy. If I'm going to do so, I will have to put out the linchpin of this entire text before I divulge further.
The guy I’ve liked for so long has finally tied the knot . Let me swallow the cringe that is threatening to spill over.
Yes . a .fucking. cliche.
Let’s do that again.
The guy I’ve liked for a long time has finally tied the knot. Saying it twice certainly helps dull the edge. Anyway, the truth of the matter is, past the uneven heart rate when I first heard the news, I am fine. I am not drowning in misery nor wallowing in a pit of despair. The tears haven't come. There are no lingering feelings of envy either. All things considered, I'm good. There is however a strong impulse to cut off all ties and simply forget. Call it self preservation. Call me human.
Now, can I say "Congratulations!" and genuinely mean it? I can. In fact, I will. As to when I cannot say . I am not sure if everyone is meant to know. He has always been a deeply private person. To date, I can only remember two things he shared that I can consider as personal, tidbits I happily keep in my memory. To be fair, I didn't share a lot too. Other than the fact that I'm good with my job and that I love poetry ( I don't think he remembers that detail ), he knows nothing about me either. Oh ! he thinks I still love the Twilight series. hahahaha. (My tastes have grown , okaaaaay) 'But you get the idea.
You get what you give.
So. If you're curious about our "story", (Please, you're not. You know exactly how all tales of the unrequited end.) the first thing I'll tell you is , there's no story. In my native tongue, “Wala kaming kwento”. ( Wow. Tagalog hits differently, folks)
Two subjects without a verb will never make a story.
He, I. A period at the end.
Picture two points plotted in different graphs. There you go , imagery.
There was never any semblance of a "we "or an "us". It has never felt right writing so. And yes, I would like to keep even my pronouns as honest as possible.
If you've reached this bit, then know that it has been a week since I've started this and I'm still stumped as to how to continue. The days have certainly been busy but more than that , it just feels pointless to look back on some of the things that no longer serve their purpose. More so, if it didn't really serve you any to begin with. It becomes tiring. I'm done asking for an audience to have my feelings heard. I've told and retold friends so many times hoping I'd get a different answer each time. I hope this didn't come out as aggressively bitter. This is just me trying to break a bad habit. Anyway, Bamboo was right, much has been said.
Emotions are noisy , messy, nasty tenants. I wish they can just fall in a single line just so I would know which one I would entertain, but they overcrowd and they don't know how to take turns. Diplomacy isn't one of their stronger traits either . They would argue and argue and argue. I'm often at odds with them , but for now, I would like to take a moment and leave them in peace, in their own space.
Maybe the entire point of this entry is that you figure things out when you’re supposed to figure them out . Maybe that includes realizing how it went from pining for a person to pining for an idea, a wish. Or maybe when do I see him again , all of this just goes out the window. I really don't know. I can't confidently say I have figured it all out, and this is probably the one most honest thing I can share. So I'm going to stop worrying over future random hellos or future aches . He's happy. I am too.
