the post is closed on sundays

I have been playing this over my head. Where to say it, when to say it, how to say it without making it seem I'm expecting something, that I'm pathetic or stupid or creepy. So if I'm doing this the way I pictured it, we'll be sitting on our school's dank but oddly comforting hallway, you will probably be joking about something corny.  It doesn't matter, I'll laugh anyway. We'll talk about the most trivial of topics. You'll ask how my life is. I'd ask you too. We'll establish the balance we seem to easily set the past couple of years. And I would ruin it by blurting out " I love you, by the way". It's a crazy idea, but at least it's an idea. It might be good to just let it out. I have been feeling this and pushing it all in for too long now. But then, I'll think about your reaction and all of my insecurities and I'll end up not saying anything and start getting lost inside my own head (not a good place to get lost in, FYI)  So scratch blurting it out.

Rewind the tapes. Let's go mundane first. It's standard procedure I believe, when you're about to tell something life-altering. Not to mention, it's friendly and unalarming. You're at ease and I'm a basket case full of nerves but I'll play it cool and throw  sarcasm here and there

Next phase, reminisce. Because there is nothing wrong with two  friends looking back on their quest for awesomeness, armed with their own dreams and ideals but burdened by lacklusterness and idiocy. Nothing screams more fun than laughing at one's stupidity. I think you would agree too. And if I know you, as I think I do, you'll start craving for the might have been again. That we marched in that auditorium together, well not technically because D comes before L,but on the same day at least, with the same set of graduation of photos. I wanted it badly too, but much as it sucks what's done is done. I'll comfort you the best way I know how, with a good old tap on the head, eyes wide, I'll sternly say"you're almost there". Then I'll remind you  all of the good qualities you have of which you are too much of a male to admit. It suddenly feels to concrete for me, the way I can see you saying "thanks".

It's best to spend my honesty hour wisely so I'll continue probably by saying how happy I am we became friends. Unexpected, sure but treasured at the same time. So treasured that  it is the only thing stopping me from telling you the truth. But it's not time for that yet..... Maybe it is.

The gradual swing in our exchange, can you feel it? I hope you can. So you'll start asking what truth. You're not fooling me though. I heard your neurons synapse the minute I said truth. But I will say it for the record. I'm anticipating a good solid minute of  awkward silence and nervous laughs. And I'm sure by now. you're debating whether or not to bolt to the nearest exit. You won't though. You're too much of a gentleman for that.

I think this this is the part where I give you my guarantee. I'll break the silence first to end the awkward agony. I promise you that I know where I stand, the knowledge of your girlfriend is a high enough and strong enough barrier to keep me away. I said those things for the sole purpose of saying it. You reciprocating  is the last item on my agenda but admittedly the first on my wishlist. On second thought, I'll leave the wishlist
out. I'm not sure if you'll even ask how it happened. I'm not even sure I can answer. But I'll try to give you the big picture without all the melodrama. It was not brisk and exhilarating the way the books drilled it in my consciousness to be. It was more like walking. Steady.Normal. And , to a certain degree, unconsciously done. By now, you will be using your right to remain silent. As a good friend, I'll let you.

Wow. that was perfectly played. Now that I think about it though can I actually do this? Throw the ball on your side of the court because I'm so sick playing it on mine. Gamble the only thing I'm genuinely certain I have with you. My head clears, hormonal levels regulate and my courage meter empties. I don't think I can, atleast not face to face. Shall I send it through email? Too virtual. Text then, but it's  too informal and too long and I wouldn't want to make it a potential source of a fight. Snail mail. Handwritten=personal. Moreover it means less threat of actually seeing you . Perfect. When to send. Mondays and Thursdays are my pending paper report days. Tuesdays, Wednesdays,Fridays and Saturdays scream clinic duties . No matter ,I'll send it on Sunday. Oh wait, I just remembered the post is closed on Sundays.